Despair.com – Yes, I love them.

When the Despair guys come up with a new Demotivator they send out an email announcing it. I get them, I love them, they brighten my day. Seriously, my deeply cynical nature despised those silly motivational posters and doodads. In fact, they ANTI-motivated me. Then I found that a whole group of people were as cynically annoyed by those posters as I was, the Despair guys. But those jerks beat me to marketing the cynicism and morbid humor. Being a good capitalist and free market supporter I buy their stuff. Still, jerks.*

So, today I get a fabulous email from them. Seriously, the picture is as good as the text of the whole email. Since you may not get them, I’m posting it here because, really, it’s just too good to miss.

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The Wailing List – Minds Are Like Parachutes‏
From: admin@the.wailinglist.com on behalf of The Wailing List (wailinglist@despair.com)
Sent: Tue 8/05/08 10:54 PM
To: vyvyan_louise@hotmail.com

So- there’s a new Demotivator this week. It’s called Sanity. But before I go into any detail about that design, allow me to flash back to around this time last week.

You see, to my absolute amazement, our recent issue of the Wailing List generated an outpouring of offended replies from people who apparently find the idea of making fun of Government to be tantamount to blasphemy. I excerpt an email below for your consideration:

Date: Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:22:35 -0400
From: "Allison (REMOVED)" (ally.(REMOVED)@(REMOVED).gov)
Subject: Re: The Wailing List - Government
To: The Wailing List

Your latest design about GOVERNMENT is reprehensible in the extreme! What are we to infer from it? That you would prefer anarchy? Everyone loves to mock the government- right up until the point where they actually need it! And make no mistake, you (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) need it!

Ever driven on a state highway? Guess where it came from? It wasn't built by American Indians! It was built by your own government!

Ever send your children to public school? Ever call 911 in an emergency? Ever visit a public park? I'm sure snotty (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) like you wouldn't dare taint yourself by depending on government in such a situation! Right?!

Hey- here's a funny question!

You ever been on a watchlist? Well, if you haven't, you're about to be. I'm forwarding your "hilarious" new design to a friend at the DHS who loves to stay abreast of "comedians" who mock government. One of your call center employees was kind enough to tell me the name of the gentleman who wrote that oh-so-funny Demotivater(sic)- so please tell Daniel (REMOVED) that his name will be included in my e-mail. We'll see how funny he thinks it is the next time he tries to hop on a commercial jet! I think he'll see the exquisite irony of the whole situation right then and there- when he has his no-no zones thoroughly scrutinized by a- wait for it!- A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE!

If you think I'm kidding, think again. Tell your snarky little coworker Mr. (REMOVED) he ought to read up on "MAIN CORE". Because it's going to be reading up on HIM in about an hour from now!

Sincerely annoyed-as-hell-at-you,
Allison (REMOVED)

While this was the most forceful reply I received, it certainly wasn’t the only angry one. I’m frankly still astonished by the flood of responses. It was a joke- inspired no doubt by the never-ending parade of political stupidity coming from both houses of Congress and both political parties*. Only a joke.

I have been slowly working my way through replies- but in the case of the above, I forwarded it to Daniel- the author of that particular Demotivator and asked him to respond to the offended customer directly, if he cared to do so.

24 hours later- he had written his reply to the customer- and copied me. His reply was simply in the form of a picture. A new Demotivator called Sanity– apparently inspired by the threats of a deeply-offended, big-government loving statist.

That design is now available in lithograph and desktopper formats. And guess what? The lithograph is available for only $9.95- as are all of our lithographs for the month of August.

And- if that wasn’t good enough- I’ve got yet another bit of good news. Overwhelmed with his own feelings of superiority, Daniel also suggested we use offer a coupon code this week for our Superiori-Tee. If you want to get this tee for $5, simply use the coupon code “nonozone” (no quotes).

This offer is even valid for you, Allison! You may love big government- but given your history of only buying things when we offer super-discounts, I know you love heap big savings** even more! Why- you ask- are we letting you in on the deal? Because your invocation of the haven’t-heard-it-since-1977 of “no no zones” led to the biggest explosion of laughter from the writers’ room that I’ve ever heard! No joke!

So- there you have it. A new design- inspired by an angry customer’s response to a recent design- and a great set of discounts on posters and an unprecedented discount on our most popular t-shirt! (He said, bracing himself for a new flood of email complaints from easily offended parachutists and/or crazy people…)

* What- you need examples? How about corn ethanol subsidies that are causing food riots? Or $5 trillion added to the public debt a couple of weeks ago in order to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? Or a Treasury Secretary who- despite statements to the contrary is apparently is a strong proponent of a Flaccid Dollar Policy which is helping to drive up the costs of our gasoline, food, the products Despair manufactures and the shipping charges to get them to you! What about Alan Greenspan getting paid $100,000 to give speeches to multi-millionaire bankers about the potential for a complete economic meltdown created by- wait for it- Sir Alan Greenspan himself! As he created the world’s greatest economic bubble by lowering interest rates to 1% for ages- while he encouraged Americans to get adjustable-rate-mortgages during his employ at the oh-it-might-as-well-be-a-part-of-our-government the Federal Reserve. (Interest rates were 1%! 1%! WHY should Americans get an adjustable rate mortgage when interest rates were at 50 year lows? Was there some thought that might take rates down to 0%- and you sure wouldn’t want Americans to be locked in at 1% if that happened, Sir Alan?!)

Come on- Allison! I’m a college dropout and I’ve got better sense! But if you find yourself offended by my comments, don’t bother to call the call center to get my name. If you feel you have to report me to the DHS for being critical of some of the idiotic government actions I list above- my real name is Lawrence Kersten. (No relation to the company founder/spokesman by that name…)

** Oh, and by the way, Allison, I’m 1/8th Cherokee Indian by blood- and that 1/8th of me took offense at your cheap comment about the highway system not being built by my people. I forwarded your comments to my father- who is 1/4th Cherokee (and actually registered with the Cherokee Nation). He was twice as offended as I was but told me to let it go. “You don’t really have the right to be offended by that, son. Technically, with 1/8th blood, you’re not really qualified to be.” So I asked him what rights I might enjoy, given I had only a half-of-a-quarter of Cherokee blood. He said I can’t own a casino and won’t qualify for very many scholarships, but that I could probably get away with using “heap big” every once in a while. So now I have. I hope you’ll choose your words more carefully next time. Some of us are easily offended.



Despair, Inc. | 800 Interchange – Suite 102 | austin, tx | 78721

* I’m just jealous.

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2 Responses to Despair.com – Yes, I love them.

  1. Nancy says:

    That was hilarious! This woman’s reply actually inspired another Demotivator, which they are capitalizing on! Hilarious!

  2. Peter Schneidler says:

    Yup, I loved it too. I also get the emails from despair, and this was one of the funniest ones.

Comments are closed.