Anti-Movie Review – Movies I’m not going to see

Brokeback Mountain
Two words: gay cowboys. Nope. Not gonna do it. Love story, you say? Still, not gonna do it. Cowboys are some of the sexiest men on earth and I’m not gonna ruin my enjoyment of bullriding by visions of two boys riding off in the sunset pledging undying love to each other. Yick.

New World
One of the “accolades” for the movie convinced me before I knew anything about it. “Best historical drama since Titanic.” Since I hated Titanic enough to scream “Die, PLEASE, JUST DIE!!!!” at the “King of the World”, I can’t imagine that this one is anything less than dismal. Plus it’s staring the man whose last turn as an historical figure, Alexander, gave me intestinal cramps from the commercials alone.

Why Steven, why? Such talent and you twist it so? To equate terrorists with assassins isn’t right. Both kill, okay, that I’ll give you, and of course if the Germans hadn’t let the terrorists go in the second place, none of that revenge would have been necessary. The first place is this: a bunch of thugs taking innocent athletes hostage only to kill them with a shot to the back of the head while blindfolded and bound hasn’t got jack to do with hunting down and killing the thug who killed your countryman/woman while bound and blindfolded with a shot to the back of the head. They aren’t the same thing. All killing is not equal.

Spielberg made a big deal about making “War of the Worlds”. He said that before 9/11 he never believed that beings smart enough to develop an interstellar engine and ship would “shlep” weapons all that way. Truth is that a being smart enough to invent such things would be smart enough to know how freakin stupid it would have to be to go millions of lightyears away from the safety of the homeworld without them. Maybe they won’t be needed, but who wants to get caught with your shorts down around your tentacles. Smart aliens, and humans, know these things. Peace isn’t made by a lack of weapons alone, it is made by the judicious use of them and wise choices at the bargaining table. Anyway, Spielberg keeps getting it wrong when he moves away from science fiction and history younger than WWII. I think it’s connected to when he cried at the end of the last Star Wars.

I’m sure this list will expand.

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